


Find me

by sunshinne_skz



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Everyone except Hyunjin and Minho is just mentioned, Gen, Hwang Hyunjin is a Sweetheart, Hwang Hyunjin-centric, I have to stop projecting on Hyunjin, Lee Minho is the best, Panic Attacks, Platonic Relationships, Sad Hwang Hyunjin, not that much comfort but it is there, they have problems
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-21
Updated: 2020-11-21
Packaged: 2021-03-10 07:34:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,704
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27659561
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sunshinne_skz/pseuds/sunshinne_skz
Summary: All Hyunjin ever wished for is to feel loved. To be held and to hold.But people don`t like to know when you`re sad, they don`t like vulnerability, so he learns how to hide. That is, until he can`t anymore.It`s okay, though. Minho has always been patient.!! Don't read if you are easily triggered !!
Relationships: Bang Chan/Hwang Hyunjin, Han Jisung | Han/Hwang Hyunjin, Hwang Hyunjin/Kim Seungmin, Hwang Hyunjin/Lee Felix, Hwang Hyunjin/Lee Minho | Lee Know, Hwang Hyunjin/Yang Jeongin | I.N
Comments: 2
Kudos: 83





	Find me

**Author's Note:**

> Hi thank you for clicking=)
> 
> Please don`t read if you are easily triggered. It`s pretty heavy and I don`t want anyone to be affected badly by what I write so, mind the tags and to those who do read, let me know if I should add any other tags. Also, I`m sorry if this doesn`t make any sense, I think it`s mostly just word vomit. However, if you still somehow enjoy it, I`m glad.

He felt safe now.

With his knees pressed tightly to his chest, hot water raining down on him from the shower- he felt safe now.

No one could get to him. No one could, because the door was locked. He kept glancing at the lock, making sure it was still in place, still keeping everyone away.

"I can't keep doing this..." He whispered, breath catching in his throat as his shaking only worsened.

What he wouldn't give to have someone there with him, someone who could hold him. He brought his knees closer, hugging himself as best as he could.

He felt so alone.

And that only made it all so much worse. How would his friends feel if they knew that? How would Chan feel, after always telling Hyunjin he can come to him? How would Jisung feel, after all the times 3am caught them still talking to each other? How would Seungmin feel, after helping him time and time again with the homework he struggled to complete? And Changbin? Changbin who texts him everyday even though he barely replies lately? Jeongin too. He's always texting, but Hyunjin doesn't even open the chat.

And yet, he still has the nerve to cry about being lonely. After hiding himself from the world as best as he can manage without making too big of a scene... After all that, he's the one complaining.

He remembers when he used to be the one organizing hang outs. He used to be active on the groupchat everyday, answer as fast as possible, pick up calls, remind his friends he loves them. He used to do his best, every time. Now... Now he does the bare minimum, desperate to at least be a decent friend, and it still leaves him exhausted.

Hyunjin knows, though. It's not because he stopped caring, or because he's mad at them or anything of the sorts. But, he's scared. He's annoying and too clingy and too sensitive and everyone gets sick of putting up with that. Everyone realises that he's too much at one point. And Hyunjin knows, but he can't change some things.

He can do his best to reply quicker, but he can't change the way his chest tightens as he types an answer. He can joke around, but he can't help the way he wants to cry when something hits too close to home. He can keep from hugging his best friends, but he can't change the way his skin tingles with the need to touch, to hold and be held.

Loud pounding on the wall brings him out of his head and makes him flinch.

Yeah, he must've taken too long.

Yet, even though he's aware of that, he can't bring himself to stand up and dry himself off. The tears only come faster, and his breathing picks up again, just when it started to slow down. He's clawing at his skin, trying to focus on the pain but his nails aren't long enough to do much and it leaves him even more agitated.

He can't breathe.

_He can't breathe._

His eyes are darting around the room, searching for something- anything. His phone.

He needs his phone. He moves, sobbing as he hits his chest over and over again because it hurts so much, it hurts and he doesn't know how to stop it.

His fingers brush against his phone, grasping at it. Hyunjin struggles to hold it right, his trembling hands making it difficult. A relieved sob slips past his lips as he unlocks the device, going straight to his messaging app.

He wants to call someone, he does but he know that'll just make things work. He's terrified of anyone hearing him cry, hearing him choke on air as it won't enter his lungs right. So he does the next best thing- he texts Minho.

It's not long before his phone is ringing, yet he can't answer. He just can't. He knows Minho wouldn't judge him for crying, no, Minho always understood him the best, always tried the most. But he can't answer and the call ends.

"Please, please, please," he sobs, still so quiet that he can't be heard over the running water. "don't leave me, please."

Hyunjin stares at the screen, hoping there would be some kind of notification, anything from Minho.

**[New text message]**

He opened the text without a second thought, reading through it, desperate for the slightest comfort he could get.

**From Min:**

_i'm here for you, okay? im here. you're alright, jinnie. tell me what's up_

And he does. In a way.

Hyunjin tells him how he just can't breathe and how he's tired.

He's so tired.

So he tells Minho how scared he is, how much it hurts- and not only his chest, but everything. He begs him to make it stop. He's sure he makes no sense, he's sure his friend can barely read through the texts. But he types. He types and pleads with Minho to just make it stop.

And Minho replies every time. Either to remind him to breathe or remind him that he's there, or to tell him how loved he is. Minho doesn't stop texting when Hyunjin does. The "i love you" s and the "i'm not leaving you" s keep coming and it's then Hyunjin realises his lungs are working again.

So he puts the phone away, standing up on shaky feet. He washes himself with slow movements, letting the smell of cherries and roses take over the whole place.

He steps out of the shower and dries himself off, getting dressed in his favorite pajamas. They hug his body just right and keep him warm even when loneliness makes his blood run cold.

Once he leaves the comfort of his bathroom, his hands hide in his sleeves and his head hangs low.

"What the fuck do you do in that bathroom?" His father's voice shattered the silence of the apartment.

"Shower, like I said I would." He answers, because no matter how nervous the man makes him feel, he's not one to back down like that. It got him in trouble countless times but... it was worth it, in some way.

"You never think about anyone else, do you? There are other people living here!" He goes on, yet Hyunjin already walked past him, grabbing a comb to fix his hair a little. His father didn't seem to care much, leaving him alone faster than he usually would. Hyunjin sighed in relief, grabbing his school books as he sat down at his desk, opening them with a defeated look. It was late and he was exhausted- but there was so much to do, so many pages to study.

However, before any of that, he grabbed his phone, smiling as he read through Minho's texts which stopped coming a bit ago with a last "call me when you can, baby".

So he called him.

"Hi, Min." he spoke first, cringing at how scratchy his voice sounded.

"Hi, baby."

Hyunjin's eyes twinkled with happines at the two words. They were said with such softness that it made his heart smile.

"How are you?"

He knew that was Minho's way of asking if he was okay, if he felt better, if he needed anything else. He knew, yet all he answered with was "I'm fine".

"Jinnie, you're not. Don't go hiding away again, I just found you."

It seems like that was all he needed to start crying again, yet for a completely different reason. He felt so... He felt so loved. All he's ever dreamed about- his deepest desire- was to feel loved, to have someone show care even after they see how damaged he is.

People don't like knowing their friends are struggling. They don't like knowing others are sad, or scared, or broken. As long as it all looks fine, feels fine, on the surface, most don't mind. They don't need to know more. If you're smiling, that must mean everything's okay. So Hyunjin always smiles, always laughs, always offers to listen, to help.

Yet, he couldn't lately. He couldn't fake the smiles anymore, they weighed him down like nothing ever did before. So he tried harder, he didn't talk as much, didn't go out as much... He made sure he was hidden well, there was no room for mistake.

But now, hearing Minho sound so desperate while telling him to stay- to stop hiding, to let him in... Hyunjin knew he wasn't strong enough to run away. Not even though he knew he should. He should turn and run and never look back. But he couldn't. Not from Minho.

"I won't." Hyunjin cried, grasping the phone so hard it made his fingers turn white. "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, Min."

"Don't be." Minho doesn't even take a second to speak up. "I'm scared too. Of a lot of things. But I have you."

"I have you." Hyunjin echoed, a smile blossoming on his face as the tears didn't seem to slow down.

It was okay, though. Scary, but... okay.

They both had a lot to learn. Hyunjin was used to hiding his feelings, but he was an expressive and emotional person, he never did a good job at masking what's going on inside his heart. He was skilled when it came to his pain, no one knew the extents of it, because Hyunjin didn't want them to. And Minho... Minho was just as reserved as him, maybe even more so. He was always one to pretend he knows what he's doing, to use sarcasm and humor as a coping mechanism, to drown himself in dance and studies rather than face reality.

The two boys talked for hours, Minho made Hyunjin smile and Hyunjin made him laugh. It was beautiful, having someone see him when he's most vulnerable and still decide to stay.

"We're getting through this together. Life's not made to be lived on your own." Minho sighed, yawning as he glanced at the clock on his bed side table- 02:47

"So you won't leave?" Hyunjin asked, voice small and scared, the darkness all around his room him making shiver.

"I won't." a sharp intake of breathe. "Will you?"

"I won't."

**Author's Note:**

> Man, I really wish I had a Minho.  
> Anyways!  
> Thanks to everyone who read this whole thing! I appreciate it and I hope you could enjoy it. Leave kudos if you liked it and a comment to tell me what you think. And remember, there`s nothing wrong with being vulnerable. Feel what you feel and know that you`re never alone. I love you all and if anyone ever needs a friend, my twitter is @sunshinne_skz


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